a not so light or typical blog post, but a transparent one. -
i’m in that era where time feels like my worst enemy.
It’s always creeping up on me.
attempting to instill more fear in me
attempting to steal my peace
threatening me.
maybe it’s just me,
or maybe it’s just in my head.
time is made up.
it is just a construct
but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me.
or that it feels like it’s always imprisoning me.
it’s invalidating.
when i’m filled with images, projects and ideas I want to execute
but I have to juggle sleep.
I have to juggle reality,
responsibilities
and everything else that always seems to prioritize over what makes me happy on my schedule
it gives me more anxiety.
when i pull back,
it attempts to brainwash me and tell me that time I spent on important tasks isn’t enough,
that i’m not doing enough
the time spent on my self care is never enough
then it tries to sway me and make me think that time on myself is wasted
there’s projects to continue, don’t waste time nourishing yourself
there’s deadlines to meet, pull an all nighter,
every night
“make the most of your time,
even if it causes you stress.
even if it makes you restless.”
but at times I can’t differentiate if that’s the higher version of me,
or just the anxiety.
I change the sounds on my alarms frequently because the sounds become too triggering
looking at a clock just infuriates me.
i tell myself that this is apart of being disciplined.
that the resistance is only temporary,
and I pray to I find solace soon.
I think about if everyone has to endure this,
Or if it’s just me,
If it’s because I’m accustomed to doing too much.
But as an ambitious person,
How do you separate doing too much, for doing just enough?
- with love,
Zeinab